A bottle on a dark background with green liquid in it, labelled Eau de Surplús. There are some water droplets on the bottle.

A man in an old military-style vest and helmet that is slightly scewed and a bottle with green liquid in it on a dark background. The man has some dark marks on his face and arms, and the bottle is labelled Eau de Surplús.

A man in an old military-style vest and helmet that is slightly scewed holding a bottle with green liquid in it on a dark background. The man has some dark marks on his face and arms, and the bottle is labelled Eau de Surplús.

Varusteleka

Varusteleka Eau de Surplus

Name: Varusteleka Eau de Surplus
Brand: Varusteleka
SKU: 91736
Price: 16.00 GBP
Availability: OutOfStock

New

28 reviews

£16.00 GBP

Shipping calculated at checkout.

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Technical details and instructions

Ingredients

Water, yeast, triptozyne, acidum stomachi, cosmoline 10%, sodium burzumium, coprolite 18%, sanguisporcinus, vomitcaprinum, clavi ferratī sarcophagī, sudor clunium Hitleri, Lacrymae capitalisticae, pulvismurorumberolinensium, caseus mucidus, putredosepulcralis, decadentiao occidentalis, membracaninium

May contain traces of subligacula adhibita. Harmless to children. Keep away from children. Don’t use indoors. Hold your breath and pray. Highly flammable. Burning sensations on the skin when undiluted.

Description

Make your shiny new clothes and gear look and smell like military surplus with this amazing formula. Why settle for 'new' when you can embrace the spirit of geopolitical collapse? This isn't just a scent. It is the aromatic soul of a Cold War bunker. One spray, and you don't just enter the room. You occupy it.

Effective dejuvenating treatment
Works on clothes, packs, tents, tarps, chest rigs, pouches, etc.
Also an effective reodorant when diluted
Stains, perforates, adds suspicious specks, and gives the authentic aroma
Easy to use
Non-reversible - it is now what it is
Deemed non-toxic in all Warsaw Pact countries

The Scent: A top note of damp concrete, a heart of motor oil, and a lingering base note of 'something died in the ventilation shaft.

The Aesthetic: Why wash your gear when you can break the chains of conformity altogether? Our patented formula creates authentic, suspicious stains and scientifically accurate mold specks.

The Social Benefit: Commanding respect. Commanding fear. Commanding at least three empty seats around you on the subway. Lebensraum. Finally.

The story

Good old military surplus is very difficult to source these days, yet it is highly sought after. Every day, somebody asks us to bring back the good ol’ times when our warehouse smelled like something had died there. Unfortunately, those days are gone, and most Cold War bunkers have been raided empty.

But worry not, because we have invented something that will bring a whiff of those glory days back! This miracle mixture provides a surface treatment for all new clothes and gear that have fabric. When diluted, it will also work on yourself.

Easy to Use

Simply coat your garment or other fabric with this, and let it do its magic. It will leave uneven stains, flaky mold specks, and gnaw small holes, scientifically mimicking the surface of decades-old military surplus. Stains and holes last forever, but the scent fades in a few months. Renew the treatment, and you’ll smell like a lovely moldy roadkill again in no time.

If you want to have an aura of a true surplus aficionado, you need to go one step further. By diluting Eu de Surplus with distilled scrotium, it turns into a powerful reodorant. Everyone around you will know your true nature instantaneously.